Today I went for a scan to see the progress of this bub. Unfortunately the baby hadnt grown any since the last scan 2 weeks ago and there was no heartbeat. Very disappointing seeing I really felt this time it was all healthy and was going to plan.. well deep DEEP down when I tried to visualise bubs I actually just saw a dark still form there.. I told myself it was going to be ok but I still think from doubt and concern from the doctors that I hadnt allowed myself that wonderful acceptance that I was having a 'normal' pregnancy and that it was all going to plan... I am so pleased I got the scan done now and not waited another 4 weeks.. what torture to go through with all the sickness I was feeling.. The hospital procedure was long and freezing..I was starving and feeling off colour due to morning sickness.. I just wanted it over. I finally got to the womens ward at 3.30pm.. yes the womens ward, amongst the maternity ward with all the newborn babies and happy families. I mentioned to the midwives/nurses twice that it was a really sick joke that they put D &C patients in with newborn babies crying all around. Luckily I wasnt that affected.. well I was very well detached from the whole thing and just wanted it over and to be home with my family.. The procedure went well.. I scoffed down 2 lots of sandwiches, 2 juices and dessert as soon as I could and Assi and Lior got me and took me home around 8pm.
At this stage I am looking forward to getting healthy and back into shape. I have had brief thoughts on doing my camera course online.. now that I wont be sick and wont be getting pregnant for a while.. I will have my 'other baby' to nurture and care for.. my passion.. my photography.. will be good to get something like that behind me before I have to care for 2 little monkeys..
I look forward to a big walk on the beach tomorrow to give my body some much needed vitamin D, a good cardiovascular workout as I havent walked for weeks and also some time to reflect.. Im sure there will be some tears.. and probably much needed....
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